Ķermenis nekad nemelo.
Agrāk es ne īpaši skaidri apzinājos, kāpēc vajadzīgs ķermenis. Lai gan ar savējo man vienmēr ir bijis ciešs kontakts. Es vienmēr esmu novērtējusi tos priekus, ko mans ķermenis man spējīgs dot, vienmēr uz tā vajadzībām esmu raudzījusies ar sapratni, taču vienlaicīgi esmu sapratusi, ka es neesmu TIKAI ķermenis.
Dažkārt cilvēkiem šķiet, ka ķermenis viņiem dots tāpēc, lai to labi pabarotu, pārvietotu no vienas interesantas vietas uz citu, nodarbinātu to ar sportu, ar seksu, taču ne vienmēr dodas kopā ar savu ķermeni uz to vietu, kur paši to ved. Man arī kādu brīdi šķita, ka tas viss ir normāli un tā tam jābūt. Un vēl ķermenis cilvēkiem ik dienu atgādina to, ka visi esam mirstīgi un šī doma rada bailes.
Taču, kam tas patiesībā domāts, es apzinājos tikai nesen.
Tu esi tur, kur ir Tavs ķermenis. Lūk, kam tas! Viss, kā parasti, izrādījās pavisam vienkārši. Tas bija tepat – deguna galā. Es biju tāda – glupa. Gadījās, ka mans ķermenis pastaigājās pa ielām, bet manis tur nebija, jo mans prāts mani aizveda tik tālu, cik vispār vien iespējams. Prāts dzīvojās pavisam citās vietās. Tas, kaklu lauzdams, brāzās rītdienā un tur sāka trakot visneiedomājamāko iemeslu dēļ. Tas uztraucās par nākotni un domāja, kā vienu vai citu lietu izdarīt labākajā veidā (pēc tā prāta). Tas kaut ko plānoja, baiļojās, it kā iedomājoties, ka šis ķermenis man kalpos mūžīgi! Vai arī sāka sapņot un aizsapņojās tāja laikā, kad mans ķermenis pastaigājās pa ielām. Bet manis kopā ar viņu nebija.
Manis kopā ar viņu nebija, kad pastaigājos, kad gulēju vannā, kad braucu mašīnā, kad pļāpāju ar draugiem. Manis tik bieži nebija tur, kur bija mans ķermenis.
Manis nebija. Es domāju.
Nevis dzīvoju, bet domāju.
Domāju, un, ja nu!
Domāju, bet, kas, ja!
Domāju, kad būs, tad es…
Domāju, lūk, tagad, protams, es nevaru būt apmierināta ar VISU, tāpēc, ka tam vēl vajadzīgs tas, tas un tas… ko nu mānīt pašai sevi, neko jau pārāk daudz es negribu, tikai – to, to un nedaudz to…
Un tad!!!!!
Bet TAD vienalga nekas nemainītos. Vienkārši rastos jaunas vēlmes. Un pēc tam – vēl. Un – vēl. Šī alkatība nezin robežu. Tai vienmēr būs par maz. Tā ir dumja, rijīga un nogalina tevi dienu no dienas. Tā dara tevi tukšu un neapmierinātu. Bet man vajadzēja tikai mazumiņu – atrasties kopā ar savu ķermeni. Gan prātā, gan – sirdī, gan – dvēselē. Tas rāda man, kur esmu. Rāda, ko man vajag redzēt un dzirdēt, un aptaustīt, un ieelpot.
Dažkārt man tas izdevās. Kad redzēju jūru vai okeānu, es biju tieši tur, kur biju. Kad esi izlēkājies pa viļņiem, sarijies sāļo jūras ūdeni, spiedz no laimes, tad, kur gan citur tajā brīdī tu vari būt? Un mans prāts klusēja. Tas klusēja arī tad, kad mēs mīlējāmies. Klusēja, kad es biju patiesa un darīju to, ko lika man sirds. Taču šie mirkļi bija īsi. Ļoti īsi. Salīdzinot ar milzīgi garajiem domāšanas periodiem.
Jā, tikai ķermenis nekad nemelo. Nekad. Viņš to neprot darīt. Atšķirībā no prāta, tas ir patiess, tas nav spējīgs izlocīties un melot. Un, ja melo tu, tavs ķermenis sāk slimot. Un ko gan citu tam darīt? Lai atgrieztu tevi realitātē? Neko! Ir jābūt tur, kur ir Tavs ķermenis.
Bet, ja tu uzskati, ka ķermenis tev ir svarīgāks par visu, ka bez kaut kā, kas saistīts ar to, tava dzīve būs nelaimīga, tad visticamākais, tas nedos tev tieši to, kas tev pašam šķiet tik ļoti svarīgs. Un sanāks tā, ka tu to nevarēsi darīt. To, kas tev tik ļoti svarīgs. Brīžiem šķiet, ka tas ir tik briesmīgi, vai ne? Tik ļoti cietsirdīgi un netaisnīgi. Bet tā tas nav! Visticamākais, ka nav nekā tik svarīga, kas būtu svarīgāks par kaut ko citu. Absolūti nekā. Viss ir vienots un viss ir svarīgs. Vai arī otrādi: nekas nav tik ļoti svarīgs, jo tu to vari pārspēlēt jebkurā brīdī un sākt visu no gala.
Un, lūk, brīdī, kad mans ķermenis pastaigājās pa ielām, tajā brīdī tas bija pats svarīgākais. Un tajā pat laikā brīnišķīgi nesvarīgs. Un man vajadzēja baudīt šo pastaigu. Tam bija visi priekšnoteikumi. Rokas, kājas, gaiss un gaisma. Es pat varēju, ejot, uzsvilpot. Bet deguns varēja ieelpot visas smaržas. Un nekā cita vairāk man nebija. Bet bija TIK DAUDZ. Bet es to nesapratu. Tagad es to atgādinu sev, cik iespējams, bieži.
Es esmu tur, kur ir mans ķermenis!
Autors © Jekaterina Andrejeva
Tulkoja: Ginta FS
https://gintafiliasolis.wordpress.com/2016/05/11/es-esmu-tur-kur-ir-mans-kermenis/
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